Hmm

I'm sitting in my mom's office because I had to come here with her after school. My brother decided to lock our door so I'm stuck here. Which is fine. I don't really mind. It's kind of nice being in a small room with french fries and sprite. Yum.

It was the first day of school from spring break. It was pretty slow. Then again it is always. slow. But I lived. Tomorrow I have testing in Physics. Whoo! (sarcasm) It's hard to believe that there is only 5 weeks of school left. I'm thrilled don't get me wrong, but it seems like its just beginning in a way. Or that it didn't even happen at all. It went by in a flash. I'm thankful for that. I am only counting the days until college. Where ever that train is going to take me. There aren't a lot of Environmental Resource Engineering programs surprisingly. You'd think there would be but no. My father wants me in Florida. Yea. Florida. Him and my mom have been texting each other, flirting non stop. Yes it is super weird. But who is to say love can't come back after 20 years? Not me. I would love to have a father figure. Especially since he and I are so alike. But in my life I have already come to realize things that are good in my perception, do not happen. Maybe I should start loving bad things and then the good things will happen yea?

Probably not though.

I still feel like I'm just there. I don't feel "there" though. I feel like I'm somewhere else. In a different place inside my head. I think that's what gets me through school. I can just zone out. It's not like teachers call on me or friends come up to me and ask questions. I could go all school day not saying one word and it wouldn't make any difference. That use to bother me. Made me feel unwanted. It's kind of comforting now in a weird way. I have my shell. Feels a lot better than having to listen to people's meaningless conversations about their cars, boyfriends, how bored they were this weekend, how they totally didn't even do their homework..etc. I don't have to make an effort to try and talk to someone who is secretly wishing, "why is this girl talking to me...she never says anything...what's her name again?" I don't have to try and come up with a conversation starter, because lets face it, no one wants to hear about my silly life. That's most likely why I like being alone. It's easier.

I like to picture myself in a few years. Successful. Powerful. Changing the world. Independent. Strong. I like to think that I will be all those things one day because its what I desire. It's all I can see myself being. It's all I have. It haunts me at the same time though. Like a double edged sword. Even though most people will agree that I will be all of those things, I'm still no interest to them in anyway. They still don't want anything to do with me. Maybe it's one of those things where they can say, "yeah I knew this girl who wanted to be an engineer." It will probably make them feel better than the person they are telling it to. Like somehow that connects them to me. "yea, my daughter? studying to be an engineer." As if that makes my parents involved completely in my life. As if it was their workings on me to make me successful when it was actually the absence of them both in my life. But what can I say now? Nothing. Too late for that. I'm already on board.