Suck.

Well, today I have to say was pretty awful. Woke up to a nice long physics test. Lovely. Then on to my next class with a quiz over two chapters. Which I read last night (partiall). Then lunch. Supposedly the highlight og high school life but no, not so much here my dear friends. I unfortunatly had to sit in line to purchase a yearbook. A very long line. My "friends" well, they decided anything would be better than to keep my company. So I stood there. Alone wondering why I even call these so called people my friends. I take their abuses. I take their problems. I help them. I give them my shoulder to cry on. But what do I get in return? That would be a nicely wrappped present of absolutely nothing. Yay me. Gotta love having friends huh? I use to think that someone out there would be there for me. One day maybe I'd get to be happy and have a grand ol' bff. I've come pretty close don't get me wrong but that's the funny thing. Right when people come into your life, befriend you, let you tell them all yoour secrets and problems, they deciede that its the perfect time to leave. Seems all I am for anyone. Just someone to talk to until their real friends show up. I guess what does it really matter anyway right? Friends are for people with lives. People who are stereotyped as having no future. So I should be happy right? I help those around me. I'm going somewhere or so says my "plan". But I'm not. The only highlight of my weekend was the nice hot tub at my grandmas. Then it went back to what it is usually.me listening quietly. Trying not to have an outburst of frustration. Don't want to be labled crazy now do I? Course not. Even the one guy I thought was worth struggling for, I guess ended up really not caring either. Why should I be surprised though? I guess its more hurt than anything. Hurt thathe could say something and then only come back with "I'm sorry." Always sorry. Never really trying to help anyone. Can't blame him though. I'm not much and maybe I have just dragged on our relationship. Afterall, he's happy now. As far as I can tell. Doesn't need me anymore. So maybe it is time to save future arguments like these. I'll end up texting him first even though he basically said I bother him. And then what? I don't know... Its like were running a race with no finish line. Maybe that is punishment for being a hopless romantic. Always blinded by these doubts and suspicions swirling around in my head. I can't help it though. Because as far as I can see nothing justifies that I'm wrong. He's not out there missing me. He's not texting me. So maybe that is it then. Or maybe not. Like I said I don't know. Maybe its one of those late memos again is it so much to ask for love and happiness? Even at my age. I suppose it is too much...oh well I can just add it to the pile right?

Yup

I guess it has been awhile since my last blog post. Not that it even matters to anyone out there. Which is fine with me. I'd rather not have an audiance to my life. I can't even stand it myself. Don't you hate how money makes the world go round? Well of course no you 1% of the population. You wouldn't have the slightest idea what its like. But I hope those of you out there. If you are out there do understand. Though, complaining about it doesn't solve anything now does it? Probably for a good reason too I suppose. It is a funny feeling though. Being alone. An emotion that supposedly every person feels but yet they hide it under their surface. Now, that's not very nice. Because it just makes the rest of us feel even more alone. Even though I am technically surrounded by people all the time. Everyday. They don't really see me. I guess they see my body and my fake smile and think, "Hey! Now there's a girl that's got it together." And they move on. I guess that makes me a hypocrit to those who hide their lonliness. I don't feel like I'm hiding it. Its very clear to me that I'm slowly dying on the inside while the rest probably feel the same. And if its one thing I've learned in this life, its that you can't be selfish. So okay. I won't. Ill listen to your problems. Make you feel better. And then ill sit alone wondering of anyone else learned this life leasson and if they did where are they for me? Shouldn't it be a circle of caring and love? Probably. Not that it will ever happen. Because there is that whole factor of people who get everything and just want attention. Bravo to you. Seems like everyone gets exactly what they want. No, not what they want. What you want. So you think to yourself: What is it that I have that they want? Oh yeah, nothing. I'm a friend to you until you no longer need me. Then the next thing I know I'm left wandering around alone again. I guess I never got the memo. That's how life just is I suppose. Late memos.

...eh

Not much going on. Hasn't really been a good weekend to be honest. I hung out with Evanny on Thursday. Took her home and then Daric asked her out. She of course said yea. On Friday I slet over at her place. Which was fun. We just hung out and had girl time. She texted Daric the whole time so that was a little annoying. Saturday we went to the mall and came back to chill at my place. There really wasn't much to do so we went in my brothers room. His girlfriend Sami came over too. So it was the two couples and then me. It. Sucked. I hated it. I felt so alone and left out. I was a third wheel 2x. Sami wants to set me up with these two guys but I'm just not interested. I mean don't get me wrong I want a boyfriend. But I think i already found the person that I want to be with. He's just not here and can't be. It's complicated. I don't mean to be a downer about it but it just really hurts for some reason. Makes me wish more and more that I had my guy. When I think about it though, am I being selfish? I thought to myself, do I just want him here so I can fit in with them? But that's not why at all. I want him. Even if everyone else was single. Heck, I'd rather go to where he lives.

Anyways as for today I got my room all cleaned up and put my coffee table back in. It's freshly tagged thanks to my brothers. I love it. It's unique. I wish my brother was nicer though. He literally makes me hate myself and it gets me really upset. To the point where I'm screaming. I don't want to yell and be snippy and my family but I just can't take it here. I desperately want to break away from my life but I can't. The guilt of leaving is too much for me. When I'm 18, I'll be gone and I seriously can't wait!

<3 Ally

Welcome to the new year! Yay. Okay enough of all that. I knew a lot of people that are making goals for the new year. I'm usually one of those people. But for some reason...I just don't really feel like It. Of course I would love to be better in school, get out of the house more, loose weight. You know, typical teenage things. I figure making plans just creates dissapointment if they don't work out. If you have expectations, they can fall short. That all really sounds a little depressing. So cheers to all those in the world with goals and plans! More power to you :)

Evanny and I spent the weekend together. It was pretty fun. Two sleepovers at her place and then one back at mine. I was at her place for New Years. I thought it was a great way to start the year; being with a good friend, eating cheese fries. Well when she slept over at my house, her and my "brother" Daric starting riding the flirt train. So they like eachother and that's great and all but.... If they do date and break up I can potentially loose a great friend or brother. Or even both. I don't want that to happen but at the same time who am I to say no to young love? I'm just to going to let things fall where they may. 


As for myself well I'm doing okay. A lot of the time (especially at school) I just feel like I'm there. Not really doing anything. More like I'm watching a movie go on all around me. I'm surprisingly happier at home. School was once my escape but now, Its like prison. I'm not really sure why it's changed. Maybe because there is more drama with friends and the work is more difficult than I'm used to. Honestly, I think I'm just distracted. By what? No idea. Maybe it's just a phase. Who can tell really. 



The family is doing well. Were all getting a long most of the time. My brother has a girlfriend. She's a really great girl. I hope he doesn't screw it up. Lindsey is just as sassy as she always is. Mom is doing well. Money is tight and I know she stresses but for the most part, she is happy. 



Night. <3

Long time...

Well here we are a year later... Not that I've been missed I suppose. Naturally a lot has happened. Im a junior in high school. I got old :) James hates me in case you were wondering how that worked out. Im in love with someone :D here's the catch, he lives 2,000 miles away :( Does it suck? More than you can imagine. He's perfect though. Everything about him. His handsome face, and when he smiles I just melt! Will it work out? I don't know for sure. He makes me happy and feel safe and loved. I want him more than anything. He even deals with me when my depression is acting up, he listens to me. He loves me for me. And maybe I am crazy but I honestly don't care. He is pretty much my best friend. We also send eachother letters in the mail. Pretty cute huh? :) I think he is the one. I will keep you updated. Night <3

Goodbye

Hello depression Goodbye happiness.

Not much

Hey. Yet again my phone wants to write in all caps but i have figured out to stop it! Sort of. NOTHING MUCH HAS BEEN GOING IN LATELY. YEA ITS IN CAPS I DON'T KNOW. HAITI EARTHQUAKE IS VERY SAD AND I HOPE THE BEST FOR THE SURVIVERS. I STILL THINK THEY SHOULD FLY OVER AND DUMP THE FOOD OUT. TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE STARVING AND YES THEY WILL FIGHT BUT IT'S BETTER THAN THEM ALL DIEING. MY MOM ACTUALLY BROUGHT UP SOMETHING INTERESTING. 37 COUNTRIES OR SO ARE HELPING OUT RIGHT NOW BUT WHY DIDN'T WE EARLIER? GOOD QUESTION.