Hmm

I'm sitting in my mom's office because I had to come here with her after school. My brother decided to lock our door so I'm stuck here. Which is fine. I don't really mind. It's kind of nice being in a small room with french fries and sprite. Yum.

It was the first day of school from spring break. It was pretty slow. Then again it is always. slow. But I lived. Tomorrow I have testing in Physics. Whoo! (sarcasm) It's hard to believe that there is only 5 weeks of school left. I'm thrilled don't get me wrong, but it seems like its just beginning in a way. Or that it didn't even happen at all. It went by in a flash. I'm thankful for that. I am only counting the days until college. Where ever that train is going to take me. There aren't a lot of Environmental Resource Engineering programs surprisingly. You'd think there would be but no. My father wants me in Florida. Yea. Florida. Him and my mom have been texting each other, flirting non stop. Yes it is super weird. But who is to say love can't come back after 20 years? Not me. I would love to have a father figure. Especially since he and I are so alike. But in my life I have already come to realize things that are good in my perception, do not happen. Maybe I should start loving bad things and then the good things will happen yea?

Probably not though.

I still feel like I'm just there. I don't feel "there" though. I feel like I'm somewhere else. In a different place inside my head. I think that's what gets me through school. I can just zone out. It's not like teachers call on me or friends come up to me and ask questions. I could go all school day not saying one word and it wouldn't make any difference. That use to bother me. Made me feel unwanted. It's kind of comforting now in a weird way. I have my shell. Feels a lot better than having to listen to people's meaningless conversations about their cars, boyfriends, how bored they were this weekend, how they totally didn't even do their homework..etc. I don't have to make an effort to try and talk to someone who is secretly wishing, "why is this girl talking to me...she never says anything...what's her name again?" I don't have to try and come up with a conversation starter, because lets face it, no one wants to hear about my silly life. That's most likely why I like being alone. It's easier.

I like to picture myself in a few years. Successful. Powerful. Changing the world. Independent. Strong. I like to think that I will be all those things one day because its what I desire. It's all I can see myself being. It's all I have. It haunts me at the same time though. Like a double edged sword. Even though most people will agree that I will be all of those things, I'm still no interest to them in anyway. They still don't want anything to do with me. Maybe it's one of those things where they can say, "yeah I knew this girl who wanted to be an engineer." It will probably make them feel better than the person they are telling it to. Like somehow that connects them to me. "yea, my daughter? studying to be an engineer." As if that makes my parents involved completely in my life. As if it was their workings on me to make me successful when it was actually the absence of them both in my life. But what can I say now? Nothing. Too late for that. I'm already on board.

empty

No friends.
No money.
No job.
No happiness.
No love.
No point.
No sleep.
No resisting temptations to cut.
No resisting tempatations to starve.
No hope.
No future.
No life.
No feeling but stinging pain.
No trust.
No laugh.
No light.
No smile.
No freedom.
No plan.
No options.
No fun.
No joy.
No calmness.
No self-esteem.
No chance.
No idea.
No direction.
No motivation.
No where.
No body.
No one.
No help.
No concern about me.
No understanding.
No listening.
No seeing.
No escape.

Just another day at the desk

Currently I am sitting in the history pod at school. An assembly is going in about who will be next years class president. Woo... So I hope that makes it more obvious as to why I'm sitting here. I finshed my 3 chapters of My Name is Asher Lev and memorized all the presidents. Well, I memorized 21 last night and the rest this morning. I have a test on them tomorrow. Super fun. Can't wait. There is a group of girls behind me. Extremely loud. Course they are. They can't see that I'm trying to do work or anything. So here I am blogging. I use to like being at school to get away from home. Then I liked home to get away from school. Now I want to get away from both. Picturing myself just leaving school. Walking out and going to a secret place until I have to return for my mom to pick me up sounds so nice. If there was a forest of some sort near by that's where I would go disappear for awhile. I don't know what I'd do exactly but I think that's was so appealing about it. That I don't have to do anything. I also wouldn't be missed which is a nice thought. I don't want to be missed. That's sad for people around me. Those who actually know that I'm not invisible that is. Oh well. Ill continue to walk through these hall ways with my head held low and my voice kept quiet. I think I do a good job at blending in. Anyways, next up for the day is math, english, and latin. The classes seem so far away but I hope they come soon. Especially since I don't like anyone in the classes. One being a girl that makes me want to phsyically fight her. But I can't. Because that would be immoral and just all at the same time. A contradiction that I don't really want to deal with. Or have karma come back to bite me. I always space out in math class. Then I come back into reality and everyone is busy doing somesort of work. Oops. Its a good thing teachers don't feel the need to call on me. I at least appear to be doing something and paying attention :P or else I'd be in trouble. Just 3 more days and then its spring break. Even though I will be doing homework and studying. Well, we'll see about that anyways.

Suck.

Well, today I have to say was pretty awful. Woke up to a nice long physics test. Lovely. Then on to my next class with a quiz over two chapters. Which I read last night (partiall). Then lunch. Supposedly the highlight og high school life but no, not so much here my dear friends. I unfortunatly had to sit in line to purchase a yearbook. A very long line. My "friends" well, they decided anything would be better than to keep my company. So I stood there. Alone wondering why I even call these so called people my friends. I take their abuses. I take their problems. I help them. I give them my shoulder to cry on. But what do I get in return? That would be a nicely wrappped present of absolutely nothing. Yay me. Gotta love having friends huh? I use to think that someone out there would be there for me. One day maybe I'd get to be happy and have a grand ol' bff. I've come pretty close don't get me wrong but that's the funny thing. Right when people come into your life, befriend you, let you tell them all yoour secrets and problems, they deciede that its the perfect time to leave. Seems all I am for anyone. Just someone to talk to until their real friends show up. I guess what does it really matter anyway right? Friends are for people with lives. People who are stereotyped as having no future. So I should be happy right? I help those around me. I'm going somewhere or so says my "plan". But I'm not. The only highlight of my weekend was the nice hot tub at my grandmas. Then it went back to what it is usually.me listening quietly. Trying not to have an outburst of frustration. Don't want to be labled crazy now do I? Course not. Even the one guy I thought was worth struggling for, I guess ended up really not caring either. Why should I be surprised though? I guess its more hurt than anything. Hurt thathe could say something and then only come back with "I'm sorry." Always sorry. Never really trying to help anyone. Can't blame him though. I'm not much and maybe I have just dragged on our relationship. Afterall, he's happy now. As far as I can tell. Doesn't need me anymore. So maybe it is time to save future arguments like these. I'll end up texting him first even though he basically said I bother him. And then what? I don't know... Its like were running a race with no finish line. Maybe that is punishment for being a hopless romantic. Always blinded by these doubts and suspicions swirling around in my head. I can't help it though. Because as far as I can see nothing justifies that I'm wrong. He's not out there missing me. He's not texting me. So maybe that is it then. Or maybe not. Like I said I don't know. Maybe its one of those late memos again is it so much to ask for love and happiness? Even at my age. I suppose it is too much...oh well I can just add it to the pile right?

Yup

I guess it has been awhile since my last blog post. Not that it even matters to anyone out there. Which is fine with me. I'd rather not have an audiance to my life. I can't even stand it myself. Don't you hate how money makes the world go round? Well of course no you 1% of the population. You wouldn't have the slightest idea what its like. But I hope those of you out there. If you are out there do understand. Though, complaining about it doesn't solve anything now does it? Probably for a good reason too I suppose. It is a funny feeling though. Being alone. An emotion that supposedly every person feels but yet they hide it under their surface. Now, that's not very nice. Because it just makes the rest of us feel even more alone. Even though I am technically surrounded by people all the time. Everyday. They don't really see me. I guess they see my body and my fake smile and think, "Hey! Now there's a girl that's got it together." And they move on. I guess that makes me a hypocrit to those who hide their lonliness. I don't feel like I'm hiding it. Its very clear to me that I'm slowly dying on the inside while the rest probably feel the same. And if its one thing I've learned in this life, its that you can't be selfish. So okay. I won't. Ill listen to your problems. Make you feel better. And then ill sit alone wondering of anyone else learned this life leasson and if they did where are they for me? Shouldn't it be a circle of caring and love? Probably. Not that it will ever happen. Because there is that whole factor of people who get everything and just want attention. Bravo to you. Seems like everyone gets exactly what they want. No, not what they want. What you want. So you think to yourself: What is it that I have that they want? Oh yeah, nothing. I'm a friend to you until you no longer need me. Then the next thing I know I'm left wandering around alone again. I guess I never got the memo. That's how life just is I suppose. Late memos.