i dont know

i dont really have any idea as what to write right now. i guess its jusg one of those nights. i dont know. senior year has started and it still has set in yet with me. but maybe thats a good thing. friends are ok i guess, i usually just listen to everyone talk. i dont think they notice me half of the time. i dont really like any of my classes. im exhausted by the end of the day. im still on the hunt for scholarships. now i just need to start applying. but i always end up thinking that there is someone better trying to get it too. still dont know where i will end up in the end. but i guess no one does either. thats about it for now. night.

good morning

It is just about 4 am. Whoo! I'm staying up all night because tomorrow night the Girl Scouts are staying overnight at an arcade place. Should be really fun. My sister just went to bed. She tried poor thing. Once you get past 4 its pretty easy from there. I want to stay up till 6 and wake up later around 3 pm hopefully. We will see.
School is finally out. YES!! Sooo happy. Its about the second week. My mom is having me do some temp jobs. Which are pretty fun I'm not going to lie. Its been a really good start. I love June. July is nice too. August is stressful. But. I'm not going to think about it. Its summer now so I'm going to enjoy it day by day. I can't even explain how good it feels to do nothing. Just sleep in. Chill. Besides work, its awesome. I do need to take Fitness for Life this summer. Once we get a new lap top cause our "new" one is total crap, I'll start that.
I lost some weight. Though I think I've gained some back because its been hard to fit in working out this past week and a half. Hopefully will be getting back on that.
My man might be coming down in Julyish August. Plane tickets aren't cheap so nothing is set in stone yet. If it doesn't happen I'm shooting for Christmas break. I'll be doing Angel Tree and I made 400$ last year so that could help. Plus he'd get to see snow! Woo! Either way its nerve racking. I'm not sure why because its also really exciting and I'm tired of living without him. I'm just praying that I don't faint haha.
I guess the family is okay. I get reminded of why I want to leave for college badly and then why I'm going to miss it a lot. But I think the distance will be good. When I come visit it would be less stressful, less fighting, that sort of thing. I do feel bad because I'm my mom's best friend. Only time will tell eh?
I just hope summer continues to be this good and slow!

So, it is the weekend finally. I didn't have school today for some reason and since Memorial Day is Monday I will be missing that day too. Then just four days of school. Not that any work will actually be done this last week. I'll be taking the SAT on Saturday after the last day of school. I am super nervous. I HAVE to do well on it or I won't be able go to the good schools I want.Bleh. We will see I suppose.

Anyways, yesterday I went over to Evanny's. We just chilled in the street and played basketball. I don't know why, but i really liked it. I loved being outside at night, just chilling with other people my age,besides the Little kids. I forgot about how much I hate being cooped inside with nothing to do. Then today we went back outside, played some horse which I failed at. Still fun though. Then we painted little girl's nails outside in the sun. I got to do my toes a sparkly orange! Then we went inside. A little bit after that I had to go home. It was nice though being away. Now I'm just watching t.v with my mom. We are watching The Backup Plan. Sometimes I picture myself having to go through having kids without a partner. I don't know why. But it ends happy with these two in the movie.

Summer is just a week away and I'm so happy. But at the same time I'm not. I hope that I have things to do, see my friends, have fun being a teenager while it lasts. It's one of my last summers here before I go off to college where ever that may be. College is scary on its own. I hope i keep some of my friends from here but i know that i probably wont which is sad. I'll have to make new friends all over again. Then there's the whole "time to settle down and have kids time" I know i shouldn't worry about that kind of thing because if it happens then it does. i don't want to be all alone though... hmm. it sucks not knowing. Though, i wouldn't ever want to know the future. I'm just full of contradictions! Its really annoying.

I feel bad because a lot of people have deep things to say on their blogs. Things to make you think. I don't really. Its hard to put thoughts on paper. it never really comes out the way you want it to. I have a lot of things on my mind. the ideas go around so fast in my head that i can only get so much out. its not even 8 yet and im tired. how lame? 17 year olds are supposed to be out all night having fun. not stuck inside wearing cow print pajamas getting sleepy at 9. Its pretty dissapointing how lame i am. at least i think it is. I should probably go though.
later.

Monday

Yes. It is Monday today. Not just any Monday though. The last Monday of the school year! Yay! I am very happy that this is the last week of school work. Next week is just year book and checking out. All that boring stuff. Then just one more year of high school. ONE! I always hear people say how they're going to be soooo sad and cry and all that emotional stuff. I will probably out of sheer joy. High school is torture. Especailly when you live somewhere that is so judgemental to different people that it's rediculous.
However, life is a bit scary. One day i'll be out. Making my own decisons. Going to the store, paying bills, going to work, maybe have kids to worry about. I think that is one of the only sad things about leaving school. The fact that now it's time to actually grow up and be, a grown up. I don't even know HOW to be one. I guess if it was impossible though, then people wouldn't be doing it. I'm looking foward to providing for myself and buying my first house. It's going to be amazing! And of course my career. Gotta help and change the world for the better right? Right. Who knows what challenges will await me?

Anyways back to today. Didn't do much in school. Can't do much with only really 2 school days left. Hopefully will be having a sleep over at Evanny's with Cicily on Thursday since it will be a four day weekend. (right before school ending? yes i know right?) It should be fun. We always have fun at school. It's been such a long year. And yet it really doesn't even feel like it. I guess cause you stop remembering everything. Ive lost a few of my friends, but gained some really good ones. I try to feel regretful for losing the others but I can't. I couldnt really be myself with them. Even though Evanny and Cicily don't know everything about me or all my secrets, that's okay. I still don't feel like im hiding things from them. I hope this summer is a good one. Last year's was totally wasted. bleh. But I will not let this summer go to waste. Next summer I will preparing to go to college. Where ever that may be... Some where awesome for sure.
I really should go and work on my history final project. Its hard to though... but when it's done i'll feel better I suppose. It should come out really nice.
Later.

lazy

I have been pretty bad in keeping up with my blogging. But there are so many things going on its hard to just sit down and write. Especailly this week alone. We had a socket fire and the fire department came. Luckily nothing was damaged besides the socket and my moms wallet. Then I found out that on top of my final project I have to do another project for math on my future career. I haven't even started my history final project. I was planning on it this weekend but who knows. I might just go out of the year with an F in that class. I care and I don't care at the same time. I've tried harder this quater than any other one and so far its only gotten me to have the lowest GPA of them all. Bleh. Whatever. I have until tomorrow to register for the SAT with an additional late fee. Yay. I will only get to take it once and let's hope I get a good score cause if not, I'm totally screwed. Sigh. I don't want to think about it but I only have two weeksish to prepare. Seems like not just my life is falling apart. My mom is always having break downs and usually over nothing. I don't know. My life always seems to be messed up. It makes me laugh when people say that money can't buy happines. They have no idea how much happiness it would create in my family. And still everyday like apparently any other teen with depression, I put on my happy face and go to school, come home,do homework, and slowly feel myself rot on the inside.

Hmm

I'm sitting in my mom's office because I had to come here with her after school. My brother decided to lock our door so I'm stuck here. Which is fine. I don't really mind. It's kind of nice being in a small room with french fries and sprite. Yum.

It was the first day of school from spring break. It was pretty slow. Then again it is always. slow. But I lived. Tomorrow I have testing in Physics. Whoo! (sarcasm) It's hard to believe that there is only 5 weeks of school left. I'm thrilled don't get me wrong, but it seems like its just beginning in a way. Or that it didn't even happen at all. It went by in a flash. I'm thankful for that. I am only counting the days until college. Where ever that train is going to take me. There aren't a lot of Environmental Resource Engineering programs surprisingly. You'd think there would be but no. My father wants me in Florida. Yea. Florida. Him and my mom have been texting each other, flirting non stop. Yes it is super weird. But who is to say love can't come back after 20 years? Not me. I would love to have a father figure. Especially since he and I are so alike. But in my life I have already come to realize things that are good in my perception, do not happen. Maybe I should start loving bad things and then the good things will happen yea?

Probably not though.

I still feel like I'm just there. I don't feel "there" though. I feel like I'm somewhere else. In a different place inside my head. I think that's what gets me through school. I can just zone out. It's not like teachers call on me or friends come up to me and ask questions. I could go all school day not saying one word and it wouldn't make any difference. That use to bother me. Made me feel unwanted. It's kind of comforting now in a weird way. I have my shell. Feels a lot better than having to listen to people's meaningless conversations about their cars, boyfriends, how bored they were this weekend, how they totally didn't even do their homework..etc. I don't have to make an effort to try and talk to someone who is secretly wishing, "why is this girl talking to me...she never says anything...what's her name again?" I don't have to try and come up with a conversation starter, because lets face it, no one wants to hear about my silly life. That's most likely why I like being alone. It's easier.

I like to picture myself in a few years. Successful. Powerful. Changing the world. Independent. Strong. I like to think that I will be all those things one day because its what I desire. It's all I can see myself being. It's all I have. It haunts me at the same time though. Like a double edged sword. Even though most people will agree that I will be all of those things, I'm still no interest to them in anyway. They still don't want anything to do with me. Maybe it's one of those things where they can say, "yeah I knew this girl who wanted to be an engineer." It will probably make them feel better than the person they are telling it to. Like somehow that connects them to me. "yea, my daughter? studying to be an engineer." As if that makes my parents involved completely in my life. As if it was their workings on me to make me successful when it was actually the absence of them both in my life. But what can I say now? Nothing. Too late for that. I'm already on board.

empty

No friends.
No money.
No job.
No happiness.
No love.
No point.
No sleep.
No resisting temptations to cut.
No resisting tempatations to starve.
No hope.
No future.
No life.
No feeling but stinging pain.
No trust.
No laugh.
No light.
No smile.
No freedom.
No plan.
No options.
No fun.
No joy.
No calmness.
No self-esteem.
No chance.
No idea.
No direction.
No motivation.
No where.
No body.
No one.
No help.
No concern about me.
No understanding.
No listening.
No seeing.
No escape.

Just another day at the desk

Currently I am sitting in the history pod at school. An assembly is going in about who will be next years class president. Woo... So I hope that makes it more obvious as to why I'm sitting here. I finshed my 3 chapters of My Name is Asher Lev and memorized all the presidents. Well, I memorized 21 last night and the rest this morning. I have a test on them tomorrow. Super fun. Can't wait. There is a group of girls behind me. Extremely loud. Course they are. They can't see that I'm trying to do work or anything. So here I am blogging. I use to like being at school to get away from home. Then I liked home to get away from school. Now I want to get away from both. Picturing myself just leaving school. Walking out and going to a secret place until I have to return for my mom to pick me up sounds so nice. If there was a forest of some sort near by that's where I would go disappear for awhile. I don't know what I'd do exactly but I think that's was so appealing about it. That I don't have to do anything. I also wouldn't be missed which is a nice thought. I don't want to be missed. That's sad for people around me. Those who actually know that I'm not invisible that is. Oh well. Ill continue to walk through these hall ways with my head held low and my voice kept quiet. I think I do a good job at blending in. Anyways, next up for the day is math, english, and latin. The classes seem so far away but I hope they come soon. Especially since I don't like anyone in the classes. One being a girl that makes me want to phsyically fight her. But I can't. Because that would be immoral and just all at the same time. A contradiction that I don't really want to deal with. Or have karma come back to bite me. I always space out in math class. Then I come back into reality and everyone is busy doing somesort of work. Oops. Its a good thing teachers don't feel the need to call on me. I at least appear to be doing something and paying attention :P or else I'd be in trouble. Just 3 more days and then its spring break. Even though I will be doing homework and studying. Well, we'll see about that anyways.

Suck.

Well, today I have to say was pretty awful. Woke up to a nice long physics test. Lovely. Then on to my next class with a quiz over two chapters. Which I read last night (partiall). Then lunch. Supposedly the highlight og high school life but no, not so much here my dear friends. I unfortunatly had to sit in line to purchase a yearbook. A very long line. My "friends" well, they decided anything would be better than to keep my company. So I stood there. Alone wondering why I even call these so called people my friends. I take their abuses. I take their problems. I help them. I give them my shoulder to cry on. But what do I get in return? That would be a nicely wrappped present of absolutely nothing. Yay me. Gotta love having friends huh? I use to think that someone out there would be there for me. One day maybe I'd get to be happy and have a grand ol' bff. I've come pretty close don't get me wrong but that's the funny thing. Right when people come into your life, befriend you, let you tell them all yoour secrets and problems, they deciede that its the perfect time to leave. Seems all I am for anyone. Just someone to talk to until their real friends show up. I guess what does it really matter anyway right? Friends are for people with lives. People who are stereotyped as having no future. So I should be happy right? I help those around me. I'm going somewhere or so says my "plan". But I'm not. The only highlight of my weekend was the nice hot tub at my grandmas. Then it went back to what it is usually.me listening quietly. Trying not to have an outburst of frustration. Don't want to be labled crazy now do I? Course not. Even the one guy I thought was worth struggling for, I guess ended up really not caring either. Why should I be surprised though? I guess its more hurt than anything. Hurt thathe could say something and then only come back with "I'm sorry." Always sorry. Never really trying to help anyone. Can't blame him though. I'm not much and maybe I have just dragged on our relationship. Afterall, he's happy now. As far as I can tell. Doesn't need me anymore. So maybe it is time to save future arguments like these. I'll end up texting him first even though he basically said I bother him. And then what? I don't know... Its like were running a race with no finish line. Maybe that is punishment for being a hopless romantic. Always blinded by these doubts and suspicions swirling around in my head. I can't help it though. Because as far as I can see nothing justifies that I'm wrong. He's not out there missing me. He's not texting me. So maybe that is it then. Or maybe not. Like I said I don't know. Maybe its one of those late memos again is it so much to ask for love and happiness? Even at my age. I suppose it is too much...oh well I can just add it to the pile right?

Yup

I guess it has been awhile since my last blog post. Not that it even matters to anyone out there. Which is fine with me. I'd rather not have an audiance to my life. I can't even stand it myself. Don't you hate how money makes the world go round? Well of course no you 1% of the population. You wouldn't have the slightest idea what its like. But I hope those of you out there. If you are out there do understand. Though, complaining about it doesn't solve anything now does it? Probably for a good reason too I suppose. It is a funny feeling though. Being alone. An emotion that supposedly every person feels but yet they hide it under their surface. Now, that's not very nice. Because it just makes the rest of us feel even more alone. Even though I am technically surrounded by people all the time. Everyday. They don't really see me. I guess they see my body and my fake smile and think, "Hey! Now there's a girl that's got it together." And they move on. I guess that makes me a hypocrit to those who hide their lonliness. I don't feel like I'm hiding it. Its very clear to me that I'm slowly dying on the inside while the rest probably feel the same. And if its one thing I've learned in this life, its that you can't be selfish. So okay. I won't. Ill listen to your problems. Make you feel better. And then ill sit alone wondering of anyone else learned this life leasson and if they did where are they for me? Shouldn't it be a circle of caring and love? Probably. Not that it will ever happen. Because there is that whole factor of people who get everything and just want attention. Bravo to you. Seems like everyone gets exactly what they want. No, not what they want. What you want. So you think to yourself: What is it that I have that they want? Oh yeah, nothing. I'm a friend to you until you no longer need me. Then the next thing I know I'm left wandering around alone again. I guess I never got the memo. That's how life just is I suppose. Late memos.

...eh

Not much going on. Hasn't really been a good weekend to be honest. I hung out with Evanny on Thursday. Took her home and then Daric asked her out. She of course said yea. On Friday I slet over at her place. Which was fun. We just hung out and had girl time. She texted Daric the whole time so that was a little annoying. Saturday we went to the mall and came back to chill at my place. There really wasn't much to do so we went in my brothers room. His girlfriend Sami came over too. So it was the two couples and then me. It. Sucked. I hated it. I felt so alone and left out. I was a third wheel 2x. Sami wants to set me up with these two guys but I'm just not interested. I mean don't get me wrong I want a boyfriend. But I think i already found the person that I want to be with. He's just not here and can't be. It's complicated. I don't mean to be a downer about it but it just really hurts for some reason. Makes me wish more and more that I had my guy. When I think about it though, am I being selfish? I thought to myself, do I just want him here so I can fit in with them? But that's not why at all. I want him. Even if everyone else was single. Heck, I'd rather go to where he lives.

Anyways as for today I got my room all cleaned up and put my coffee table back in. It's freshly tagged thanks to my brothers. I love it. It's unique. I wish my brother was nicer though. He literally makes me hate myself and it gets me really upset. To the point where I'm screaming. I don't want to yell and be snippy and my family but I just can't take it here. I desperately want to break away from my life but I can't. The guilt of leaving is too much for me. When I'm 18, I'll be gone and I seriously can't wait!

<3 Ally

Welcome to the new year! Yay. Okay enough of all that. I knew a lot of people that are making goals for the new year. I'm usually one of those people. But for some reason...I just don't really feel like It. Of course I would love to be better in school, get out of the house more, loose weight. You know, typical teenage things. I figure making plans just creates dissapointment if they don't work out. If you have expectations, they can fall short. That all really sounds a little depressing. So cheers to all those in the world with goals and plans! More power to you :)

Evanny and I spent the weekend together. It was pretty fun. Two sleepovers at her place and then one back at mine. I was at her place for New Years. I thought it was a great way to start the year; being with a good friend, eating cheese fries. Well when she slept over at my house, her and my "brother" Daric starting riding the flirt train. So they like eachother and that's great and all but.... If they do date and break up I can potentially loose a great friend or brother. Or even both. I don't want that to happen but at the same time who am I to say no to young love? I'm just to going to let things fall where they may. 


As for myself well I'm doing okay. A lot of the time (especially at school) I just feel like I'm there. Not really doing anything. More like I'm watching a movie go on all around me. I'm surprisingly happier at home. School was once my escape but now, Its like prison. I'm not really sure why it's changed. Maybe because there is more drama with friends and the work is more difficult than I'm used to. Honestly, I think I'm just distracted. By what? No idea. Maybe it's just a phase. Who can tell really. 



The family is doing well. Were all getting a long most of the time. My brother has a girlfriend. She's a really great girl. I hope he doesn't screw it up. Lindsey is just as sassy as she always is. Mom is doing well. Money is tight and I know she stresses but for the most part, she is happy. 



Night. <3